I’m Calia’s ‘Baba,’ as she calls me.
To be honest, I never thought I’d be a baba.
Sometimes in life, one comes to terms with the hand they’ve been dealt, buries the pain and anguish, and tries to move on.
Yes, miscarriages take their toll on babas—fathers—too.
My ex-wife and I lost eight.
All of them happened at the beginning of the 2nd trimester. The pain multiplies and digs really deep.
I was there for the first ultrasound; when the first pair of baby shoes were bought to send to the grandparents; when the unusual blood loss showed up; when the ultrasound didn’t reveal a heart beat; when they pronounced our baby dead; when they gave my wife pills to try passing our baby naturally, when a few parts of our baby started passing and for the D&C because the rest didn’t; and for the aftermath.
And then, eight losses later, another kind of loss: my wife of thirteen years.
We were in it together, yet we were so inadequate and far apart to be of any help. We tried to be there for each other, and yet our best ended up not being good enough. Guilt, shame, anger, pain, numbness and every other emotion that we experienced was so real and so deep that it eventually led to our marriage breaking apart.
That portion is another story for another day.
Life changed. We changed. We hurt. Our paths split in different directions. I didn’t know it then, but no God meant no reliable foundation. No reliable foundation meant a complete reliance on self. A complete reliance on self left each of us incomplete.
But God.
Fast forward some years, a lot of healing, a lot of growing in the Lord.
Here sits number nine: a true blessing. How God works is still a mystery to me. How He heals is nothing short of miraculous. How He restores is another story for another day. For right now, I’m going to live in the blessing of being a Baba to my number nine. I love you, Calia. I love you, Michelle. Most importantly, I love you, Jesus.
Thank you for your goodness.
Men Grieve, too.
It’s no competition—mothers and fathers grieve. They often do it differently, but clinging to God is imperative. There is no perfect, one-size-fits-all roadmap to healing for any circumstance, let alone that of miscarriage.
Men don’t usually grieve as openly.
A 2007 study of 323 male partners of women who miscarried showed that “less immediate ‘active grief’, but being more vulnerable to feelings of ‘despair’ and ‘difficulty in coping’. The duration of the pregnancy prior to miscarriage and the experience of seeing an ultrasound scan appear to be factors in raised levels of grief in these men.”
A study by Tommy’s National Centre for Miscarriage Research found that 1 in 5 mothers and 1 in 12 fathers suffer long-term symptoms of post-traumatic stress after miscarriage.
Men are also more likely to choose harmful activities such as increased alcohol consumption as their coping mechanism.
How do we handle miscarriage as Christians?
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32
In times of intense pain, insecurity, and vulnerability we’re most likely to lash out and allow the flesh to reign. We’re at our weakest, in a lot of ways. However, Paul assured us that in our weakness there is a hopeful opportunity to be strong in Christ. No one necessarily wants to hear this after losing their baby. It’s a reason why we say that, “Faith is preventative medicine”—the more we adopt this truth when we are not hurting, the quicker it will come back to us in the midst of our deepest pains.
There are studies that reveal some of the ways we can love our spouses through such raw times.
A 2009 study found the following:
- Six months post-loss, the women struggling the most with depression were also the least likely to have partners willing to talk about the loss—pray for the strength to listen and divulge your feelings, as well as for grace if what you hear back isn’t phrased exactly how you wish it was.
- Half of male respondents claimed they they didn’t share their feelings with their partner—again, pray for the strength to share.
- The highest-voted concern in men was the fear of saying the wrong thing (and thus saying nothing)—pray for the words, for the courage to ride any waves of offense that come with hard conversations, and for the ability to handle silence when it comes.
- 40% of men reported a feeling of powerlessness to help their wives—pray diligently for your spouse’s relationship with the Lord and continuously reinvest in your own relationship with Him.
Reach out and be there.
We have no way of knowing why you’re reading this post. You may have a loved one suffering and you may be the one suffering, yourself. Regardless, we both promise that God has used our being there for others to help pull us out of our own despairs.
If you are the one who experienced the loss, reach out to someone.
If you are someone who they reach out to, be there to pray and listen.
Don’t walk in fear over what to say or do. Let God direct your feet and light your path as you help the hurting navigate the world with newfound pain. Women are much more likely to share and find community support after miscarriage. Men’s support groups often fade away due to lack of interest from hurting men. Find a Christian brother to talk with. Be the Christian brother that stands in the gap for your hurting friend.
Listen to our interview with Mitch and Megan Vaughan to gain more insight into navigating miscarriage with God’s help.
